Your friend asks you what kind of book you want to read, and you tell them that you would pick a chess book to read. When your 6 year old sets the Knights up facing each other like Magnus Carlson. The pawn is your favorite piece because it can become anything once its promoted. There are a lot of situations where you would criticize something by saying "I wouldn't recommend doing that" or sometimes adding "Although it might be playable". You hate coronavirus just because it's a reason, why the candidates tournament is paused. When you finish your sentences with "but ok". You can't understand, how is it possible, that someone doesn't know the name "Carlsen". When you said your wife/husdband to go on few beers with friends and return home late after many hours completley sober with chess kit in hands. When you go to a pawn shop and expect to find chess pieces. When seeing the word mate doesn't suggest anything sexual. You regularly use the term "prophylaxis" but it has nothing to do with disease prevention. You overthink a casual checkers match because of chess. You use the words "major", "minor", "majority", and "minority" often. If you prefer chess to your marriage □□. You tell your stepdaughter you are going to a chess tournament. When you think all knight about your last classical game, and what tactics you missed. When you can remember your last few games but not what you ate yesterday. When you play 30 rapid games and only gain 1 point. You spend hours on chess and your rating still drops. Your only friends are also chess players. When you give your kid a knight for a pet. You have never played chess in your entire life. You know perfectly the difference between strategy and tactic. (Usually during or after the tournament game). When you try to light your lighter with the cigarette. You become an artist because you like to draw. When you spend the whole game thinking it was a blitz game only for time to run out and you then realise it was a bullet game. You use the chess clock as an alarm clock. When your girlfriend is angry, beacuse you still play chess at 3.am. When you walk into a conversation and heard "blitz", you think they are talking about chess, when they are really talking about (American) football (rushing the passer). When you play 300 ultrabullet games in a day only for someone to tell you that it's not chess When you tend to hide behind your queen when there is a fight going on. When you play too much blitz and end up gaining only 2 rating points in a day even after playing 30 games. When you say check mate but you're not talking to an Australian waiter. When the word "overload" doesn't have anything to do with electricity. When you are angry because there are two #9 signs so you skip the 31 to keep things balanced When you dream about crazy checkmate sequences that are impossible in the real life game.like me. When you leave a twitch stream and say "Good Knight everyone, lol". You spend time reading a thread about what makes you a chess player. You named a pet after a famous chess player. You get way too excited about the new Horsey merch on lichess. When you get annoyed at the overuse of the word "stalemate" to describe situations that are not in stalemate at all. You refer to poor players at any game as "patzers". When you rage, beacuse your friend didn't see checkmate in 1. When you play chess for 8 hours straight (yearly rapid arena). When asked "How did you do on your date last night?", you respond "I beat her in 4 moves.". When you want to mate other people regardless of their gender. You play chess all day but you don't know why. When you see a chessboard with the pieces set up incorrectly in the starting position, you fix it! When you see a chessboard in someone's home, you can't help but ask if they are a chess player. Instead of saying "that was an oversight" and "that was a dumb thing to do", you say "that was a mistake" and "that was a blunder". You use ?! and !? in your writing, with a clear distinction in meaning. When someone mentions "Berlin" and "Budapest", you think of a chess openings rather than cities in Europe. You only look at the position if a chess board appears in a movie scene (and you get angry when you realize the position does not make any sense). You move like a knight on a squared floor. You best friend is named "StockFish," and your girlfriend is named "Leela." You get annoyed whenever someone calls a rook a "castle" and a knight a "horsey". You can describe a move as "thematic" with a straight face. You have a bookshelf at home purely dedicated for chess. You use the words 'objectively', 'subjectively', 'theoretically', 'practically' and probabilistically' all the time. You say "Checkmate!", when you think your argument ends the discussion.
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